the gentleman

http://misternathan.livejournal.com/profile

....everything is going smoothly with my life....thank god.....cuz for people who know me......i get highly aggravated when things dont go my way or as i planned!...lol.....name changes are almost complete....changing your name is a HUGE chore!....bill companies are so different.....some will change your name over the phone, some want a fax of your legal documents and some want you to come into the office to show proof.....crazy!.......and most assume you got your name change because you got married!!......why.....lol...cuz people dont know any better....people are not familiar with changing your name due to gender.....and thats what i have been telling them....work is a little different...i have to change my work email address and my user accounts on applications that i use daily....again, today it was assumed i got married......i told them no i didnt get married...its just a name change.....i have only told my direct co-workers why i changed my name.....the 2 people that i work with on a day-to-day basis...the 2 people that know my gf's name.......the 2 people that matter......while i would love to tell the entire company that i have come out as a transman, would that hurt me in the long run?...this is one of the downfalls of working for corporations--eventually i will have my own business---...i dont want to get fired from my job for coming out....but i dont want to hide who i am either.....im proud....and i will never deny...and i will always tell the truth when asked....i believe thats very important to our self worth and individuality.......so...what is the job etiquette for a transman?.....maybe its still new to the general population of the world.....i see more and more individuals coming out as trans...---they are a lot younger than me...lol.....but damnit!!...im a late bloomer....always have and always will be---.....but how to handle it in the work place or how to handle it on a day to day normal living.....still needs more awareness.....its coming.....its like when the word "gay" first came out.........thats crazy to think i lived through that generation!.....now here i am!.......and i have never been happier in my whole life!!!!!!!!....

unfortunately.....the business will need to be put on hold for about a month......not happy about it...but....its for a good thing....we are moving out of this beautiful townhome we have been living in for about a yr and a half......living in a very nice place in a very hoytie area is not all its cracked up to be.....the rent is way too high here.....im tired of not having any money to spend on toys!........i have planned out expenses for the next couple of years and i want to make it reality.....for my transition and for the business.....for once in my life i see my path.....i have been able to see it since march of this yr.....since i realized i was an ftm.....i have been focused.....and i want to stay that way......i see the path so clearly....and its such a good feeling to have.....to know where im going.......and i refuse to lose it...i refuse to steer off the road....at any cost.....and i wont.....period!.......so...we are moving to a central location....cheaper rent.....way cheaper!......i feel its a very smart move.....by then i will be on t and seriously getting reelvisionstudios off the ground!.....god!.....this journey is so wonderful and i look forward to whats about to happen!!!.....
......."sicko" friday night!!!..........AND.......HP July 11!!....at 12.01am......AND..... testosterone July 13!!!!......
...one more thing....my little buddy is a part of me now....literally....

Private Dicks - Men Exposed

we watched this the other night......and i absolutely loved it!.....of course, right?!........but it was very interesting......and they had an ftm and mtf on there, which was so awesome!...but it gives you a whole different perspective on the "male" species in general....testosterone is a very powerful hormone that guys have, of course......its not their fault.....men in general are not disgusting pigs and a sex machine that society has led us to believe while we were growing up.....they are human beings in the same class as women.......the only difference between men and women is the hormones.....we all have a heart and we all desire love...period.....and....who the fuck cares what gender we are anyway right?!....i just wish i didnt have to alter my body to match my brain.....but its all good!.........im priviledged and ecstatic that i even have the opportunity to do so!!.......

jay&jane

im officially attached to my "little buddy"...i cant stop feeling it!!.....it feels so wonderful!!!.....lol.....i have also officially grown stubbles on my chin!!.....there is about 6 blond hairs and one black hair that grow in after i shave weekly.....i guess shaving weekly pre t is working!....24 more days to see the t doc!!.......it cannot get here fast enough!.....

so i got my "package" yesterday!!!!!.....all i can say is that im in love with my "little buddy"....it feels awesome!!....it feels real.....looks real.....feels natural.......in fact....it feels like the only natural thing attached to my body right now.....the way i feel when i look down and see my male anatomy that i have longed for and that only genetically males get to have...or when i look down and see a bulge in my briefs.....it is indescribable.....it turns me on in a way i have not felt before.....when i grab myself now, i can really feel it.....instead of a puff of air......which i have been grabbing myself all day.......it has literally been "attached" to me since i got it.....except for when i slept.......if i cant have the real thing at the present time.......then this is the closest i can get....and that makes me happy.......

i cant believe i forgot about my "packer" until a moment ago.....when i thought about it.....i should be expecting my packing gear any day now.....how fucking exciting!.......its going to be mad ass kick ass!....definitely!!!........

1 month to go for T!!!....wow...wow.......well....i finally did it yesterday......and told the guys at work.....i was so fucking nervous.......my voice was shaky....it was crazy...but, of course.....they accepted with no problems.....they appreciated me telling them.....whatever makes me happy makes them happy....pretty fucking cool guys......and they wont call me "chrissie" anymore!!!.......its a running joke in the office........i didnt mention the bathroom or calling me "he".....hopefully that part will just transition smoothly...not sure yet.....lol.....but im glad the "telling them" part is over.....i was starting to think about it alot......now i can move on......lol....went to the social administration office on monday to get a new social security card with my new name on it.......once i get that then i can send off to change my name on all the bills and stuff.....and register my business...reelvisionstudios.....yeah....... now i can definitely move forward because i changed my name!........i need to find a video camera.....i want to start filming myself.....and create documentaries.....and enter them into film festivals..........congrats to michael moore!!!.............he has come a long way...now he is here!!!!......he has been my inspiration......i should put up the pic i have of meeting him here in raleigh at the full frame festival!......that was so fabulous!!.....but, its nothing compared to what he is doing now...lol.........

Proud

woohoo!.....christopher nathan is here!........now the process of changing all my names begins!.....christopher...christopher....i love it!!....haven't told the guys at work yet......only because one of them worked at home today ....then im working at home tomorrow......i want to tell them together....so it will be friday.....hopefully!.....im not worried about it really.....whenever the right time arises, i will know.....and share.......

......lucas from transgeneration looks incredibly awesome from where he started...it gives me hope and inspiration.....im so sad the 8 episodes i have seen are over...they have been over!.....lol.....it first filmed in 05....you reach an attachment to some people...... but at least im seeing the reunion on mon....from sundance.....and even thats from 06!......

....my session with my therapist went awesome as well.....he called me christopher!.....i beamed with joy!.....hope will be coming to my next session to meet him........then its time for the endocrinologist!!!!!!!!................

christopher nathan

i have no idea why im thinking of an ol coolio classic song?!!....i guess cuz the ride is slowly starting and im so ecstatic!!!!....first off....going through the process of the name change....if all goes well......june 6, ill be able to use christopher ...but then still go by chris, of course......then to change my name on all the legal documents...how awesome!....i am already thinking of the conversation im going to have with the guys at my job when i tell them about my name change and why.........im looking forward to seeing their reaction to this......i thought i would be scared...but im not....i guess cuz i already feel like "one of the guys"  at work.......im the only so called girl in the IT department.....so i have been used to it....and they have been used to me....coming dressed in guy clothes....my haircuts practically bald sometimes.......and now going into 2 months wearing a binder......so it only seems natural to some people why i would take the next step.....and really develop my male characteristics ....especially when i start t.....omg!!!....i cant wait!!!!..........so far a mother-in-law, father-in-law, and 1sister-in-law knows of my transition......the rest of the in-laws will know this weekend........so far all have accepted my transition with no surprise and a natural response in my favor......by the end of this weekend, everyone who is currently involved in my life will know about my transition....except work....hmmm...still trying to "plan" that one!.......i mean, but seriously....i would like to start using the mens bathroom at work.....i use it everywhere else now.....oh,  not the gym tho....cuz they know me as s/he.....so i need to come out there as well.....i dont like using the girls bathroom at the gym......the girls are... just so girly!...

............i do sort of feel bad for not telling my parents.....but they have not been involved in my life for about a year and a half....and im actually enjoying that.....so why start now....im sure both my parents are still drinking and im sure i would not be able to have a coherent conversation with my mom......so whats the point.....i have been completely happy without them in my life trying to tell me what to do and trying to mold me into someone they think i should be.........

........just looking forward to the things to come.....it fucking rocks!.....i want some toys!...i want to start packing!.....transgeneration is a really good experience for me to watch right now...too bad its so short!......i want to make a quality documentary like that one day...my therapist come tuesday, is going to be proud of the accomplishments i have made so far!!..............

and hope says.....i'm proud of you, mister!  full speed ahead!

How to Be a Gentleman: A Contemporary Guide to Common Courtesy

John Bridges

"a gentleman never makes himself the center of attention. his goal is to make life easier, not just for himself but for his friends, his acquaintances, and the world at large." - john bridges